I'm not sure where it all started.
Maybe I was born this way.
Maybe it was the divorce.
Who knows? Not me.
There have been so many events in my life; UPs and downs, twists and turns, highs and lows. And as pathetic as this may sound, the easiest way for me to keep them all straight chronologically is by filing them into chapters that are marked by the boy I had a crush on or was dating at the time.
And yes, I know what you're thinking...
"All the way back to the beginning of her time on this earth, she is able to remember every boy she ever liked?"
or maybe you're one of those who wonder "how young could she have possibly started having crushes, let alone memorizing them all?"
I don't necessarily know the answers to those questions but what I do know for sure is that somehow I remember and since the days of gaucho pants and Gymboree, I've been boy crazy and overly dramatic.
But I think it's charming that I'm able to fully embrace and romanticize all of my deep-seeded flaws.
Don't you?
The first boy I can picture clearly in my head was Ian.
I met him at summer camp when I was about five years old and for a brief, three month period of braids and bug spray, he was the center of my world.
Blonde hair with what I recall was a beautifully athletic build for a small child.
He would hold my hand when we walked to lunch and then later push me in the pool during our free swim time.
Sharing secrets and sour gummies, we fell in like. As short and innocent as our love affair may have been, we had a genuine appreciation for each other and that is a rare thing, even now at my decrepit age of 18 going on 80.
I'm a tad bit sad to say that all life experiences (and by "life experiences" I mean boys) after Ian were not quite as sweet.
Nevertheless, I have learned in one way or another from all of them.
And that is what this is all about- sharing my "life experiences" with you, my fellow prince and princesses of despair, will hopefully help you see that you are not alone, you have nothing to fear, regret or be ashamed of. We have all made mistakes and we all define ourselves by things we know we shouldn't. We are all kinder to others than we are to ourselves and grabbing hold of our imperfections is never easy but we are all struggling. We are all dragging through life but at least we can drag on together.
Infinite X's and O's,
RC
